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The East African : Mar 1st 2015
20 The EastAfrican OPINION FEBRUARY 28 - MARCH 6, 2015 LAST WORD Canadian MP lea≥ns that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys’ unde≥pants You have to excuse me be- cause my cheap underpants are too tight! Canadian legislator Pat Martin gave one of the weirdest excuses ever when he hurriedly ran out of the House of Commons during a vote, because his new pair of underpants was too tight. He later blamed his departure on an unwise purchase at a local store. “They had men’s underwear on for half price and I bought a bunch that was clearly too small for me. I find it difficult to sit for any length of time,” he told the chamber to applause from fellow legislators. However, he later returned in time to cast his vote, probably after changing to a looser undergarment. Joachim Buwembo Bidding fa≥ewell to pove≥ty, I sta≥t my new ca≥ee≥ as unemployed youth from the look of things, it is better paying than many older professions. Today, a growing number of people A are describing themselves as unemployed youth to attract the attention of top leaders. They do not have to be young, and the photos of their meetings with big people indicate some of them could be having grown children. It is just like someone can be named Mr Small when they are size XL or Mr Short can be a giant. Similarly, an unemployed youth can be a senior citizen. The political leaders arrange “facilita- tion” for the “unemployed youth” that puts to shame regular public service salaries. Besides transport to and from the meeting venues, which is refunded at exaggerated rates, the unemployed youth also get envelopes at the end of the meetings. And with the pre-election politicking already in high gear in anticipation of next year’s February general election, the meetings between the unemployed youth and the top leaders are likely to become more frequent. This means the unemployed youths will be making many trips to the bank. It now makes a lot of economic sense for someone who is in a poorly paying job to resign and join the lucrative occupation of unemployed youth. But if you are the very cautious type, you can take extended leave, unpaid if need be, and work as an unemployed youth from new profession is emerging in Uganda and it seems quite lucrative. It is the profession of being unemployed and now until the end of next February. In those 12 months, you could earn more than you earned in the past 12 years. Alternatively, you may not have to re- sign or even take unpaid leave. If you really know how to manage your time, you could continue with your daytime job and then moonlight as an unemployed youth. You can schedule your unemployment activities to be taking pla in the evenings and weekends. That way, you continue earning your official salary and also satisfy your “unemployer” after work. The “unemployers” are good be- cause they do not deduct Pay As You Earn from the contents of the env lopes and the so-called transport r funds. They give you your salaries a allowances untaxed. The other beauty of being an une ployed youth is that you get paid by val camps. Today you are dining w Powerful Mr A and after pocketing yo envelope, tomorrow you are called Powerful Mr B who is A’s rival and y get feted for denouncing Mr A for f ing to solve your unemployment pr lems. Mr B promises to deal with yo unemployment and even asks you bring the other unemployed youth your next visit. Then the following d you return to Mr A and you claim y had been misled by Mr B but since has not honoured his promise to get y a job, you are back and are very sor The envelopes come out and the pa continues. Illustration: John Nyaga So if you don’t hear from me for the next 12 months, you can check the newspaper sections of very important news. You are likely to see my photo there among my fellow unemployed youth as we meet a Very Important Person. !Nami#n = Luderitz with the clicks in The proposed new name of a Namibian town is a real tongue-twister. Some residents of the remote Namibian town of Luderitz are protesting plans to change its name to !Nami#n. The name, proposed by some government officials and tribal authorities, incorporates the click sounds in the language spoken by the Nama ethnic group. Those sounds are often represented in written form with punctuation symbols. But Luderitz resident Crispin Clay says the proposed name could hurt the “international reputation” of coastal Luderitz as a tourist destination and may not be recognized by computers and websites. The town was named after German coloniser Adolf Luderitz. You need to have your head changed… Soon, humankind will have the luxury of replacing their heads if they don’t like what God gave them! Italian scientists believe a human head transplant could soon become a reality, with the earliest set for 2017. The man leading the ambitious plan is Italian doctor Sergio Canavero of the Turin Advanced Neuromodulation Group. He believes head transplants could help people with degenerative muscle disease and cancer sufferers. After first floating the idea in 2013, Dr Canavero now believes the major obstacles to the pioneering surgery have been overcome. These include managing to make the spinal cord fuse with a new head, and ensuring the body’s immune system does not reject it. Of stockmarkets, condoms and adultery A South Korean court has legalised adultery, leading to a surge in demand for condom shares. South Korea’s highest court struck down a decades-old law banning adultery, a statute that critics said is outdated and infringes on personal freedom, sending shares in the country’s biggest condom maker surging. The law had been enacted in 1953 to protect women in a male-dominated society where divorce was rare and made marital infidelity punishable by jail. Shares in Unidus Corp, which makes latex products including condoms, soared to the 15 per cent daily limit gain after the ruling. The best way to ≥ob a bank is to own one – o≥ just wo≥k fo≥ it Why leave it to outsiders while I can easily do it? Staff at a branch of Afghanistan’s central bank in southern Kandahar province may get away with as much as $1.4 million when they robbed their own bank and ran. The Kandahar raid is believed to have been carried out by a senior official at the bank, an employee of nine years, with the help of his son and brother-in-law who were also on staff, according to the central bank director for Afghanistan’s southwestern region, Fazel Ahmad Azimi. The group had removed CCTV recordings before fleeing to Pakistan.
Feb 23rd 2015
Mar 9th 2015