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The East African : Jul 26th 2015
24 The EastAfrican OPINION JULY 25-31,2015 LAST WORD The g≥ass in singing: Obama is coming, just watch us g≥ow! Kenyans are known for doing things at the last minute style to attempt to make newly planted grass turn green in the three days before Obama arrived would have taken a miracle. And yet it turned out that companies hired to do the landscaping along Mombasa Road and Uhuru Highway in Nairobi were working round the clock to achieve just such a result. While most Nairobi resi- Illustration: Patrick Gathara Joachim Buwembo Of pasto≥s, politicians, suga≥ daddies and a nation gone bad T he era of grand national immorality is here and whichever way you look at it, we are cooked. Picture this: On Eid day, the most cir- culated picture on social media among Ugandans was an innocent photo of a famous lady, famous because she is mostly known for her moral uprightness and strictness. But because someone took her photo inside her home, fully dressed but wearing tight pants, the nation went ogling and drooling for days. So next time you come to Kampala and go to the toilet, first check to ensure there are no hidden cameras — that is how deep we have sunk. Ogling at public figures’ private anat- omy aside, what comes from the pulpit is not helping either. We have our bishops going down on all fours worshipping the president of the republic. No, he did not become their archbishop or a god of sorts, he just happens to have an unknown quantity of 4WD luxury vehicles to give out to senior clerics to help them preach well. And what is becoming the com- monest message that the preachers send out these days as we approach national elections in seven months’ time? They advise us to “eat” politicians’ money and then not vote for them. Yes, the religious leaders are advising their flock to take bribes from candidates and then as if that were not bad enough, to be dishonest and not give the poor candidate the vote that he has paid for. As the gospel of giving what someone has paid for to his rival sinks in, is anyone surprised that it is being embraced by girls, especially those in their early twenties? Isn’t this constant message of stealing from the immoral to please their rivals related to the rampant murders of such girls by aggrieved sugar daddies? After listening to such messages, a girl collects money from a man and then gives “his thing” to someone else; but the man invariably believes that like votes, pleasure that he has already bought cannot be shared. He kills h e r and torments her fam- Illustration: John Nyaga ily with messages from her phone. Can’t the religious organisations issue guidelines to the preachers on what should or should not be preached? If corruption is promoted from pulpit, where can the nation turn for cleansing? After gleefully sharing embarrassing pictures of an innocent woman and stealing candidates’ money on the advice of our religious leaders, should we as a country continue being surprised that our country appears to be cursed? Are we surprised that we remain a nation where thieves man the public service; the country that builds a thousand health centres and fails to fix the lighting so that midwives hold phones between their teeth to use the “Nokia Light” to deliver babies? Our national motto is “For God and My Country!” Does the said God approve when the men of God advise their flock to steal from contestants instead of standing firmly against bribery? Does the said God nod in approval when a bishop jostles to catch a temporal leader’s eye so as to be given the latest set of shiny wheels on the market? After being bombarded with corruption-promoting messages from the pulpit, can you blame the girls for “eating” sugar daddies’ money and then sleeping with younger boyfriends? dents who use these two roads are aware that the beautification programme was launched two weeks before the Obama visit for the Global Entrepreneurship Summit, Nairobi County environment officer Leah Oyake argued that the project is part of the Urban Integrated Development Programme being spearheaded by Governor Evans Kidero. The project is estimated to cost $500,000. One remembers the poem by Jonathan Kariara — “Grass Will Grow.” Message to POTUS: Avoid politicians Kenyan Twitterati were ready with advice for Obama before his arrival to Kenya under the under the Twitter handle #KenyansMessageToObama. “Avoid Kenyan politicians,” “Kindly visit every county so that there can be beautification and cleaning everywhere,” “When you land, ask to use Jogoo Road. Mombasa Rd will give you a false impression.” The gay rights issue dominated the tweets. “Spare us the gay talk,” one user comments, “That gay vibe should remain in America.” Some advised Obama to wear green shades so that he could see the grass planted by Governor Kidero. … And check out all those naked natives The trending story in West- ern tabloids last week was that President Obama would be confronted with 5,000 naked men and women on his arrival in Kenya to protest against his “open and aggressive support for homosexuality.” Purportedly sponsored by the newly registered Republican Liberty Party, the demonstrators were to make Obama understand the difference between men and women! Here is the letter written by the leader of the party, Vincent Kidala: “The procession shall be carried out by approximately 5,000 totally naked men and women to protest over Obama’s open and aggressive support for homosexuality. “The party’s main objective is for him to see and understand the difference between a man and a woman.” But avoid those hysterical students Obama mania in Kenya showed a dark side when the chairman of the Students Organisation of Nairobi University, Babu Owino, claimed in a letter to the US ambassador that 18 students of University of Nairobi would commit suicide if the US president failed to visit the university during his visit to Kenya and that 31 female students had threatened to urinate on the tree Obama planted at the university in 2006, together with the late Prof Wangari Maathai. Help, the≥e’s a dinosau≥ in the beloved leade≥’s lettuce Paranoid North Kore- an leader Kim Jong-un has ordered scientists to examine all vegetables under a microscope before he eats out of fear of being poisoned. He is demanding every piece of lettuce is meticulously inspected before it passes his lips. All the vegetables that Jong-un eats are grown on his own exclusive farm, called “6.17”, in Pyongyang, but a source close to him said he is taking no chances. The carefully selected vegetables are examined by their respective units each day before undergoing final inspection. The inspectors are graduates from Pyongyang Medical University and they spend minutes on one leaf of lettuce.
Jul 19th 2015
Aug 2nd 2015