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Daily Nation : January 31st 2014
4 BE FAMOUS. daily NATION January 31, 2014 WE NEED TO STOP SELLING OURSELVES SO SHORT Virgin Atlantic, Lufthansa, Air France and others already have licences to fly to Kenya, but don’t. Why? Because someone has FAILED to properly market this country and there is no demand to come here anymore. T he 85 richest people on earth hold wealth equivalent to that owned by the poorest HALF of the global population. This, according to a report released last week by Oxfam. Hang on, what? Eighty-five people. Own the same as 3.5 BILLION people combined. How? Is capitalism really this grand? It is not working out very well, is it? And if you are wondering which country has the largest number of these billionaires, it is the guys who convinced us that communism was evil — good ol’ USA. Australia and Sweden round up the top three. I am curious; if we had a chat with these 85 gazillionaires and made them give up just 20 per cent of their wealth, would it be so bad? We could call it earth tax or global rebate or you-can’t-have-all-that-freakingmuch-money tax. Even if we took more, over half, they would still be billionaires. I do not understand. Can you ever feel like you are too rich? Like it is enough? I watched The Wolf of Wall Street just after our film board banned it (C’mon, isn’t that like waving a red flag to a bull?) But our film board, like most parastatals, concerns itself with things that do not really matter and ignores those that do. Wolf of Wall Street has too many women, drugs, and profanity. So what? It is a true-life story. And quite funny. Watching the movie does not make me want to call up a street dealer and score some crack. These guys flew first class and were never sober enough to enjoy it. What is the point? Take KLM business class. Some might say that paying two or three times the price of a regular ticket for some extra leg room is wasteful. But it is night and day. You can totally stretch out in your fold-out bed. You have the choice of fine wines. Champagne YOU WANT TOURISTS? DO YOUR JOBS AND OUR COUNTRY WILL SELL ITSELF.” CIKUS BEEF muiruri is at your disposal. You have your starters, main meal, and dessert served from a menu of your choice. You have proper silverware and china. It is a pretty fantastic way to fly. And these idiots high on dope never got to experience that. Give me sobriety any day. Speaking of airlines, a special committee has called on the government to open up our skies to pretty much everybody. Tut tut. Opening your skies is like being a kashungwa — if it is not reciprocated, it makes you a mistress. The married man will come to our home whenever he wants and ciku he will do whatever he likes. But the mistress (Kenya) can never go to his home and do the same. So, before we go around doing tribal dances and saying that we will get more tourism from open skies, we must ask ourselves — at what cost? Can predatory, opportunistic, Middle Eastern carriers whose countries are fast running out of oil and are heavily subsidised by their governments be allowed to come into our airspace and be granted carte blanche? Can they be allowed to come with their carbon emissions without thought to the harm to our national carrier and the consequences that lie therein? Like a mistress who some- times receives gifts from a lover, this suggestion is not sustainable in the long run, and I will tell you why. Virgin Atlantic, Lufthansa, Air France and others already have licences to fly to Kenya, but they do not. Why? Because someone has FAILED to properly market this country and there is no demand to come here anymore. So now, to look as if we are doing something about it, we want to open our skies (or give it up, if you like,) to every cowboy that tips his hat in our direction. Are we really that cheap? C’mon. You want tourists? Then ask yourself what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do your jobs and our country will sell itself. As luck would have it, we only need to attract 85 buggers to get half the world’s wealth. FYI Virgin Atlantic, a trading name of Virgin Atlantic Airways Limited, is a British airline majority-owned by Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Group. The Virgin Group owns 51 per cent of the airline and Delta Air Lines owns the remaining 49 per cent. Virgin Atlantic’s head office is in Crawley, West Sussex, England, near Gatwick Airport. The airline was established in 1984 and was originally planned by co-founders Randolph Fields and Alan Hellary to fly between London and the Falkland Islands. The pair met Richard Branson and, through negotiations, renamed the airline Virgin Atlantic. The maiden flight from Gatwick to Newark Liberty International Airport was completed on 22 June, 1984. Virgin Atlantic uses a mixed fleet of Airbus and Boeing wide-body jets and operates between the United Kingdom, North America, the Caribbean, Africa, the Middle East, Asia, and Australia from its main base at Gatwick with secondary bases at London Heathrow and Manchester. FRANKFOOT >> WITH FRANK MIDEGA INSECURE, GRANNY FOOTBALLERS ALL THE RAGE NOW tricky, and I talk not of esoteric Stephen Hawking’s calculations on the distance an elliptical object will cover around a planet. Akin to the smile of a fair lady, simple arithmetic has led many a great man to proper meltdowns. Had Christopher Columbus used his compass correctly and panned his geometry to the fine decimals he would in fact have ended up in the land flowing with spices. Arithmetic, like the statement “simulated contracts”, is tricky. Both are similar to the other word, meltdown, which can be used for as wide an array of issues as describing the situation that happened in Fukushima to, and annoyingly so, Justin Bieber, who keeps flashing on your screen whenever you are making that long trek from one channel at number 12 to the other at 26. This little matter of calculations and what not has brought media madness to Barcelona in the same way their acquisition of Neymar did. Signing Neymar was to be the greatest triumph of Rosell’s presidency. Instead, it has single-handedly triggered his downfall. Being investigated for “simulated contracts”, Rosell’s adding up of Neymars sign- A ing fee apparently did not add up, forcing him to resign and concentrate more on his calculator. rithmetic. Mathematics can be *** *** *** Is it a French thing to always make a fool of oneself on a global platform? Fresh from Francois Hollande’s messy revelations from la mademoiselle, future Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini, has further charged up his campaign to be football’s most comedic president. And that is a feat in itself, considering the number of football comics around. You need not look further than the head of our local governing body. Aside from the once ludicrous proposition that the Euros be played across several countries, Platini now wants to include the host country in redundant qualification playoffs. Let is walk through that one again. France will be included in the qualifying stages in a competition for which they qualify automatically. It is like spending a million shillings to buy lottery tickets. *** *** *** In Italy, Milan have signed rock of ages Michael Essien from Mt Sinai to come part defences and Italian Midfields alike with the laser-precision and prophetic vision that sadly, senile people have never been known to have. This move just does not make sense, like expecting your lady to know the difference between a plasma screen and an LED TV. They are all flat thin TVs to them. And since United has presumably found their formerly misplaced ATM PIN, ace signing Juan Mata has taken to wearing the Number 8 shirt worn by former footballer present pastry chef Anderson, prompting disturbingly predictable jokes about the jersey and boots being big shoes to fill. Mata, when pushed to the wall by journalists to blubber what position he would rather start, said he’d be happy “anywhere”, sending chills down Ashley Young’s spine on whether his position on the bench is now at stake. Finally, if there was any doubt as to which national flag future best Adnan Yanuzaj will play, you needed only watch his penalty against Sunderland to know he bleeds the red and white of St George. Elsewhere, the cold-as-an-Alaskan-morgue José Mourinho has dismissed the soft-asa-sheep’s-fur Arsène Whiner’s insistence that Chelsea are manipulating the transfer market and title race by selling Juan Mata to United. “But I think it’s also a bit of his nature. We have to accept the way he is. He’s a very intelligent man, someone who always has an opinion and who likes to show his opinion.” Jose renders his own correct opinion on Arsene’s seemingly wrong opinion.
January 30th 2014
February 1st 2014