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Daily Nation : February 3rd 2014
6 RELATIONSHIPS ROSES ’N THORNS: EXPERT ADVICE TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS Watching him court other women Hello Kitoto, RELATIONSHIPS philip kitoto I did not know that love could hurt so much. There is this man I work with who approached me and within a month, we were in a relationship. He made me feel very good about myself and I gave him all my love. He constantly assured me that I was the only one he loved. It reached a point where the boss kicked me out because of our affair. From that time, the man started ignoring me and never replied to any of my text messages. The boss later reinstated me and I saw him with different women every week and he continued ignoring me. I have never wronged him in any way. I told him his behaviour was hurting me and he told me he no longer loved me. I am feeling so low that I cannot get over it because the more I see him at work, the more it hurts. Hi, As much as relationships bring a lot of enjoyment, we cannot ignore the challenges that come with them. The greater the attachment between two people, the deeper their emotional investment in each I certainly feel your frustration and pain, seeing this man at work still preying on other women. But you should be grateful that you have learnt your lesson. My advice is that you take your lesson graciously and move on. Seeking revenge or harbouring bitterness towards him will not add any value to your life other. Sometimes this progression is so fast that we do not seem able to control of our feelings. Before long, we are in bed. However, sex takes any relationship to a totally different level. For most women, it is an expression of love and trust in the relationship. There are very few women who enter a relationship just to have sex and leave with no strings attached. As for us, men, most of us have one intention — to have sex. Sadly, once we have had this, many walk away looking for the next catch. I certainly feel your frustration and pain, seeing this guy at work still preying on many women. But you should be grateful that you have learnt your lesson. My advice is that you take your lesson graciously and move on. Seeking revenge or harbouring bitterness towards him will not add any value to your life. Remember that you were part of the pain you have been through. If you had gone slow and watched your steps, things could have been different. Keeping a sober mind is important to healing, otherwise you might seek love on the rebound with the intention of proving a point to him or yourself. I assure you, not all men are like him. There are still some undefiled great men who are hoping to one day make their woman happy in marriage. Where is our relationship going? Hi, I am 25, turning 26 this April and 18 weeks pregnant. I have been dating the father of my unborn child for almost two years. The problem is that his parents are so dependent on him that he is always financially drained even before the end of the month... paying school fees for his brother and stepsister, yet he earns very little. Secondly, I have a major problem with him; he is not ready to settle down although we will be having a baby soon. We love and cherish each other so much that the thought of leaving him is enough to drive me crazy. I have never met his parents (his mother died and his father remarried) officially. I recently asked him about his plans for our baby and he said he just wants to be the best father ever. I do not know where our relationship is heading although he said he would make a decision after the baby is born. I am very frustrated since he once sent me a text telling me there was no guarantee that he would marry me (before I got pregnant). I do not know whether to leave him. Kindly advise me because this uncertainty is killing me. Hi, I will use your question to talk a little about in-laws. Why are they such an issue in relationships? Dealing with in-laws and extended family is crucial in extending ties and friendships that help build a healthy society. They are a vital part of our lives and we need is to find the right way to relate to them. There is some type of help and dependence that we cannot run away from as their children. For example, it would be sad to ignore your helpless, ageing parents because you feel they are a burden. But I believe that there are many creative ways of supporting them in a responsible and healthy manner. Here are ways in which we can relate to in-laws and ex- tended family: a) Show them t about them and th b) Determine th they need, what th what you can give c) Welcome the support because t them feel wanted. d) Even if you d them respect. e) Love them. f) Be accountab g) Give them a longing. On the negative laws can be a burd consistently actin dependent even w can manage on th This makes us vie as parasites. Seco in-laws take sides cause conflicts an rels between the c However, a couple unity determines they deal with suc intrusion. In-laws remain a necessary part of a young couple’s life because they provide the necessary social support. Second, they can offer instruction and fellowship. Third, they give us a sense of belonging. Instead of grumbling, I sug- gest that you change your attitude and start loving and respecting them. This will improve the way you see each other and value each other’s relatives. A spouse who feels that their parents are not appreciated or shown respect could trigger negative feelings in a relationship. This could be one reason he has not felt safe to introduce you to his parents. I suggest that you develop an open atmosphere of fellowship where you show consideration for each other’s concerns. A strong bond of loyalty with your spouse should be your priority, not a promise of marriage. Relationships work better when we set our own standards and requirements and later use these to govern how others relate to us. The first aim is to bridge the gap between you and your spouse. Until you are both in agreement, it will be hard to agree on anything concerning how to deal with in-laws. God’s word actually says that if we cannot support our parents, we are worse than unbelievers. So, if you were of one mind, the first thing would be to come up with a joint action plan towards both sets of parents. My daughter won’t accept my new wife DAILY NATION Monday February 3, 2014 Dear Rev Kitoto, I am a keen reader of your relationship articles in DN2 on Mondays. Your answer difficult questions well, with deep biblical teachings applied where possible. I have a problem which I believe has a solution. My wife died a couple of years ago, leaving me with a son and a daughter who will be turning 22 and 20 respectively by mid this year. Towards the end of last year, I married a woman who has a daughter aged 20. We discussed in depth and tried to anticipate some of the problems we were likely to encounter and identified some like: •Her daughter might not ac- cept me since I came so late into her life. •My children might also not accept her since she came into their lives when they were already young adults. •Her daughter and my chil- dren might be hostile to one another. We identified a few others potential problems but decided to go on. We were confident that since all three were young adults, even if they caused problems, they were unlikely to be with us for long. My son is in college in Nai- robi but the two daughters live with us in Nakuru. My son appears happy with his stepmother and even addresses her as “mum” when he sends her text messages. Her daughter has happily accepted me and even calls me “dad” and grabs every opportunity to be near me. The trouble is my own daughter. She has totally rejected her stepmother and stepsister and wants nothing to do with them. Communication is down to a bare minimum. My wife is discouraged and is almost giving up on reconciling with my daughter, although, in my opinion, it is still too early to feel this way. I have talked to my daugh- ter several times but in vain. I have asked my sister-in-law, who lives about 100 kilometres from Nakuru, to come and talk to her niece. She promised to come but advised that in the meantime, I talk to a certain woman who was a friend of my late wife. Please help me. Hi, I must commend you for considering the possible consequences of a remarriage. First, this helped you to be better prepared for issues when they arose. Second, it gave you a chance to approach issues from the same viewpoint. Finally, when you identified and talked about the issues, it prepared and helped you psychologically to remain a team as you dealt with the problems. The truth is that yours is not the first relationship to encounter such hostility from children in a remarriage. The way you have stood together through this is worth mentioning. You must make the journey together as you seek to mend fences with these children. But I guess we TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis. There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support. Readers’ questions will be answered on these pages and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.
February 2nd 2014
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