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Daily Nation : February 7th 2014
13 BE FAMOUS. daily NATION February 7, 2014 UGLY HOUSE HELPS WON’T STOP THEM Getting good help can be hard, especially if you don’t trust your spouse. But when you get an ugly help for the wrong reasons, you’ll learn fast enough that a maid’s looks won’t deter his wandering eye, from, well, wondering A process every working mother with children would understand; looking for a personal assistant, otherwise known as house-help. A rigorous process if you are not ready to employ the first person who shows up at your door, or the first near underage girl your auntie recommends. You think recruiting a managing director of a big company is hard? Try recruiting somebody whom you are entrusting your house, your children and your property to. Not for the faint hearted. I have been disappointed more times than I care to remember. First impressions really matter; if you are looking for a job that involves children and cleanliness, the least you can do is make an effort to look neat when you are presenting yourself for an interview – it has nothing to do with clothes, it’s how clean the girl and her clothes are. If I am interviewing you in the pres- ence of my children and you do not even acknowledge them, you are out even before you are in. I love house work, it is good exercise. If a help falls short of my standards after a week, she is out. So why has it taken me months to get the right help? Because I need an authoritative person who is not harsh. Children need gentle authority, they PHILIP@ZUQKA.COM SAYS: IT’S A TOUGH TIME FOR WOMEN OVER 35. AND ‘KIAMBU 1’ HAS JUST THE THING TO MAKE ALL THEIR PROBLEMS GO BYE BYE. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. THE KIAMBU DALLIANCE DIARY kimani need somebody who can make them listen without being nasty. She has to be cleanliness and know how to clean. I need somebody who can master my style of cooking. I need an initiative person, and I hate repeating instructions; meaning I need somebody who can hear it right at first go. I need to be able to relax when I am not in the house. I take it NOT for granted that I have the luxury of taking my time to get the right person. My work allows me to work around my children’s school and Day Care schedules. I have my mother and my sisters living close to me, meaning that if I need to be out of the house longer or at a time when the children are at home, I can always ‘dump’ them there. And to my point today? Last week, I listened to women proclaiming how they never hire a beautiful house-help. Excuse me? Is it really that easy? They claimed that hiring a good looking house help is like dangling a carrot to a rabbit. Come on and give us a break. These women, in my opinion, have got it all wrong – ‘protecting’ the husband is not more important than making sure that the person looking after the children is good enough. A cheating man, or woman for that matter, often has no concern about his prey’s physical appearance; all he has to do is shut his eyes when he is lost in the moment. It’s is not like he wants to take her out to dinner and meet his friends, all he wants to do is have sex with her. Only a fool would think that em- ploying an ‘ugly’ house help will keep the partner on the straight and narrow. He meets beautiful women when he is out on his own — pray, what do they do about that? Do not let personal insecurities get in the way of having the right person look after your children, they are more important than a cheating husband. If you feel the need to hire an ugly house help for the sake of the husband, then you need to examine your relationship because with or without the ugly house-help, trust issues in that relationship need fixing. @MamaSamora firstname.lastname@example.org ciku SINGLES’ MARKET I ntroducing the first ever open market for single women who, to quote ‘Kiambu 1’, William Kabogo, have flooded the country and are to blame for all the problems in the country. You see, we are done with quails, so the next big thing will be women under 35 but above 34. Imagine if in your village or county, there are like 200 single women and one goes for like Sh100,000? That is a cool Sh20 million. Now, if we listen to Kabogo, unmarried women are not fit to hold public office meaning that out of the 200, 100 want to be politicians or hold other public offices. Their ambition pushes the price to Sh1 million, I am telling you, if this singles’ market opens in Kiambu, Kabogo will be the one lending the government money. President Uhuru Kenyatta will be making more trips to Kiambu than China. If teachers go on strike, he calls Kabogo and he bails him out. This will be a first in the country people, soon, we will be having singles from other nations coming to the market to look for husbands. “If you are over 35 and unmarried, angalia maneno yako, yanaenda mrama…” said Kabogo, never mind that most of the over 35-year-old unmarried women I know are very successful. See, he knows what he is talking about. You see, the good governor has looked at society and figured one thing that nobody else has, the answer to all our issues is not getting the youth employed, drug addiction or even insecurity, no, it is unmarried women. They are the root of all evil, 2007 was not about the elections, no, that was when Kenya crossed the allowed number of single women over 35. It just so happened that it coin- cided with the General Elections. So, if we go with that, it is women over 35 who are unmarried who should be jailed, all the dudes in Kamiti are innocent while the real villains are walking the streets in their expensive high heels, driving fancy cars and doing better than most but hey, we are not looking at that. What matters is tha they are not married. Why are we not looking at men who are 35 and unmarried? Didn’t you listen to the governor, he said that it is the women who need to look for men to marry since there is no shortage of men. So when you see that guy who is 35 and unmarried don’t bother him, it is not his choice, it is just that no woman has decided to marry him. Yes, I know he drools over any- thing in a skirt and probably has a dozen kids roaming the streets - and is the real reason why most women would rather be single and happy than married and sad — he is not to blame and he is not bad for the country, the single woman is. So here is how the singles’ market will work. Every first Wednesday of the month, there will be a big sale in Kiambu. The reason it is once a month is to give the “single women scouts” enough time to traverse the counties looking for those under 35s and because one goes for the same price 10 quails were going for in December, he will need to look for the money. Once they are there, all the drunk- ards, serial cheaters and men running from responsibilities will show up and start singles’ shopping and they will pick whoever they want and take them home. Remember, it is the single woman who is paying to be bought so the guys just show up. Are they all single men over 35? No, you just need to have been born a man to qualify. The governor did not say that the men who are available are single. “IF YOU ARE OVER 35 AND UNMARRIED, ANGALIA MANENO YAKO, YANAENDA MRAMA…” LEGENDARY.” — WILLIAM KABOGO GOVERNOR, KIAMBU Plus, haven’t you ever heard of husbands who have MBAs, that is Married But Available? The organisers can even partner with a corporate and can have “Bonyeza ushinde” kind of promotions. If she has a car, it is immediately transferred to the man. No, don’t roll your eyes, we are doing this for the sake of the country, this is what will help bring down the price of bread and milk. Be patriotic people. Once one has picked, he will enter into a draw and the more singles he chooses, the better your chances of winning. What happens when they get home, I don’t know, we wait for the governor to tell us. But hey, hurry while stocks last. We don’t want it to go the quail way.
February 6th 2014
February 8th 2014