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The East African : February 10th 2014
20 The EastAfrican OPINION FEBRUARY 8-14,2014 LAST WORD Wedding in Califo≥nia, Honeymoon in Montana! It’s a bitch’s life! History was made at the Chapel of Our Lady at the Presidio in San Francisco as the first-ever state recognised human-animal marriage. Local resident 35-year-old Paul Horner was the groom during the ceremony, joining him was his faithful male dog Mac, who wore a white veil as Father McHale officiated over the “wedding.” Father McHale told reporters he was extremely happy to be a part of this joyous moment of life. “This is the definition of true love my friends. There is nothing more sacred than the bond between a man and his faithful dog,” McHale said. “Now, since it is recognised Joachim Buwembo Honey, I just sold the Nile to a billionnai≥e sucke≥ f≥om Ame≥ica $2.2 billion, up from $500 million a few years ago. This is because the borrowing is needed to finance “development,” as the country now collects enough taxes to cover its current expenditure. Those of us who are not economic T experts would have thought that the country can finance those developments in other ways without borrowing. And if it has to borrow, there are still better sources at home. In all, I can point out 10 sources that can yield not just $2.2 billion dollars but $10 billion for Uganda’s infrastructural development without going for the non-concessional loans. The first source is our own people. Before even looking for the potential wealth in form of untapped natural resources, there is actual cash in the hands of our citizens that makes $2.2 billion look like chicken feed. The commercial banks discovered part of this money in the Kampala trading hub called Kikuubo (the alley) where some individuals were daily handling sums in excess of a million dollars without the use of banks. All serious commercial banks in Uganda have now gone to Kikuubo to collect the unbanked billions. Besides the traders, there are oth- er Ugandans with millions of dollars gathering dust in their homes. These are senior civil servants who used to take money abroad to buy properties he managers of Uganda’s macro economy are happy; the donors have allowed them to increase non-concessional borrowing to or to simply bank it. The Finance Ministry should negotiate with these people — after all, they know them — and ask them to lend the country the money at no interest, since keeping the money is exposing them to domestic strife. Now and then, we hear of a couple fighting over a billion shillings hidden under their bed that goes missing. Only last month, several government agencies were shown on TV literally hunting for a fortune in a civil servant’s house; they took drills and started digging up the man’s floor after a source told them of tonnes of cash cached in the house. They didn’t tell us how many dollars they found – they would be foolish to say anyway. Second, the country has prime natu- ral features with great tourism potential. We should lease these to tycoons both local and foreign for top dollar because if we don’t, influential people will grab them anyway. It is just a matter of time. Features that can each fetch half a billion dollars that come to mind include the source of the Nile, the Bwindi forest home of the mountain gorillas and Murchison Falls. Third, we can use expected wealth from oil now, rather than waiting for 2018, to finance infrastructure. We already ever spent some $750 million in such a manner to buy fighter jets. We can do the same for infrastructure. Fourth, we have a host of other mineral deposits and we have already started whining how miners are robbing us of billions over these. Let us just sell off a few deposits to raise a few billion dollars and move on, debt free. Finally, we have cash already in our Treasury every financial year that can finance our infrastructure development. If we just stop theft of some public funds — not all — we can finance all our development using our tax revenues. Currently about half of the recurrent expenditure is stolen. Let us allow only a quarter to be stolen, and the quarter saved can fund our infrastructure. That is if we are serious. as a legally binding marriage in the state of California, Mr. Horner and Mac will have all the same tax benefits and everything else coming to them that a regular married couple would receive. It’s a fantastic day to be alive!” Fortunately, California’s State Laws and Regulations provide for the little known Article 155 (10) passed in 1850, that allows human and animal union. “I just love my Mac so much, I can’t wait till we can finally get back to the honeymoon in Montana where bestiality is legal,” said Horner. Nothing like the squeal of a horny pig... Police responding to re- ports of screaming coming from a home in China, didn’t find a victim of domestic violence as they feared. Instead, they found an amorous pig. State police say a woman called after hearing what she believed to be a fight coming from a neighbour’s home. But the owner later explained that she raises pigs and the screaming was coming from an overjoyed male pig that had been placed in a pen with five females on heat. ... until you meet the rapist Zim pastor A Zimbabwean pastor was jailed for 50 years for raping four female congregants and threatening to cast evil spells on them if they exposed him. “You were a real wolf in sheepskin,” that is how magistrate Hoseah Mujaya, described “pastor” Robert Martin Gumbura, the founder of Robert Martin Gumbura Independent End Time Message Church. The court heard that Gumbura, 57, claimed that all female members of his church were his wives by right, and married women were on loan from their husbands. The pastor, who has 11 wives and 30 children, had wanted to sire 100 children. “The core business of any church is worshipping and not sleeping with girls and women and threatening that misfortune will befall them,” said the judge. Crying stones? What’s the world coming to? A little girl has baffled doc- tors by crying stones instead of tears. The Yemeni girl, 12, produc- es little hard stones under her eyelids. Images aired by Yemen’s Azal satellite TV channel showed doctors with a small box full of stones that dropped out of the girl’s eyes in just a few hours. Doctors said they could not explain such a phenomenon since the girl, Saadiya Saleh, is not suffering from any known disease. But it triggered a panic in rural areas where they assumed the girl must be possessed by magic; others say it might be the devil, while others fear it could be the start of a dangerous epidemic. A co≥pse ≥eady to th≥ow a punch? Only in San Juan Even in death, Christopher Rivera Amaro almost looked ready to box, leaning against the corner of a simulated ring. Mourners who came to his wake in the Puerto Rican capital of San Juan found him placed standing, a yellow hood on his head, sunglasses glasses over his eyes and blue boxing gloves on his hands. Elsie Rodriguez, the vice president of the Marin funeral home said Rivera’s family wanted to stress his boxing, and the funeral home suggested posing him in a ring. Her funeral home has staged similar wakes in the past for others. The 23-yearold fighter had a 5-15 record in the 130-pound weight class. He was shot dead Sunday in the city of Santurce.
February 3rd 2014
February 17th 2014