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Daily Nation : February 17th 2014
4 RELATIONSHIPS ROSES ’N THORNS: EXPERT ADVICE TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS This man does not care about me or our child Dear Mr Kitoto, I am 30. I met a man of 35 RELATIONSHIPS philip kitoto and fell in love with him. I thought he was also in love with me. After dating for some months, I got pregnant. He wasn’t very happy when he learnt about my pregnancy but later accepted it and said he would help with the baby. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl but this man was nowhere to be seen for six months. Since he was living alone and really loved his child, I decided to give him a chance so I moved in with him. However, I pay the rent and do almost everything for the family, yet he doesn’t appreciate how hard I am working. I feel as if he took us in because I could could put a roof over his head while he is in love with someone else. He really doesn’t care about me and we don’t talk the way normal couples do. This hurts me a lot, but every time I tell him to move out and live the kind of life he wants, he tells me that he will never leave, and that I am free to leave if I want to. I am I have a feeling that the reason you moved in with him was so that he could take responsibility. However, he sees your move as a situation in which he can take advantage of you. I am also surprised that this man, who was living along and paying his bills, is, all of a sudden, unable to do anything for his family really desperate to be happy, even without him, but my main concern is my daughter. Will I be doing the right thing if I move out with her since there’s no need for me to live with someone who doesn’t care? We have been living together for nine months and he doesn’t have a stable job. He says I am not his wife but when we go out together, he introduces me to his friends as his wife. His parents know that we are living together and they consider me his wife but he has never met my family. I have tried to get him to meet my mother but he has refused. Please advise me what to do. Do I move out as soon as I can or do I try and make my marriage work? Knight Hi, Many times people who are in relationships say, “I thought he was in love…” It makes me wonder, “Why do we get deceived so easily.” I am sorry to say that the signs of this man’s lack of responsibility were evident early. And your push for the two of you to live together just opened a door for him to take full advantage of you. I have a feeling that the rea- son you moved in with him was so that he could take responsibility. However, he sees your move as situation in which he can take advantage of you. I am also surprised that this man, who was living alone and paying his bills is, all of a sudden, unable to to anything for his family. So my question is, “What will bring you happiness?” I can assure you that you were going about the pursuit of this happiness the wrong way. I believe that, first, you need to get rid of your fears and seek what is best for you and your daughter. Second, do not allow yourself to act out of desperation. This man is not adding any value to you or the child. Third, if you want to live with him, it is a personal choice you have to make. But if that is the case, I would advise that both of you seek marriage counselling. Fourth, your emotional state is key to how you will parent. Be careful that the negative environment created by the way you treat each other in the house does not spill over to your daughter. Nine months of being to- gether is enough for you to know where his commitment is. The reason he says you are not is wife but sometimes introduces you as such could be a desire on his part to make you feel insecure. But it could also mean he does not want to make any commitment regarding the future. This issue needs to be sorted out. You need to know from him in plain terms where you stand in his life. Whether his friends, parents and others know that you are living together will not make things better for you. He needs to spell out your role in this marriage. DAILY NATION Monday February 17, 2014 She’s been having an afffair with her brother-in-law Dear Pastor Kitoto, I met a pretty woman in 2007 and we fell in love, or so I thought. That was after more than a year of being single after being heartbroken by the mother of my daughter. We got engaged in 2009. I visited her home and she visited my mine. All my relatives got to know her but I came to learn that I was known to selected members of her family. Fortunately, we broke up in February 2013 after I discovered that she had been going out with her brotherin-law since her high school days, and had even borne him a child; this was just one of the many things I discovered that made it impossible to continue with the relationship. This woman was just too secre- Nine months of being together is enough for you to know where his commitment is. The reason he says you are not is wife but sometimes introduces you as such could be a desire on his part to make you feel insecure. tive and could even plan one’s death and had a past that was so dark, I couldn’t bear it. Before we broke up, however, I noted down both what I had given and what I had received, from the relationship. We went TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis. There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support. Readers’ questions will be answered on these pages and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.
February 16th 2014
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