For Online E-newspaper
The East African : July 7th 2014
The EastAfrican 20 OPINION JULY 5-11,2014 LAST WORD Dogs bite man: Sua≥ez the bite≥ bit by SOBs, says U≥uguay p≥esident “Sons of bitches.” Those are strong words to come out of the mouth of a president. Uruguayan President Jose Mujica called Fifa “a bunch of old sons of bitches” in another attack on football’s world governing body following Luis Suarez’s lengthy ban for biting Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini. The 79-year-old also de- scribed the Liverpool striker’s four-month suspension from all football, plus nine international matches and a $111,000 fine, as a “fascist ban.” Asked by a journalist what his lasting memory of the World Cup would be, Mujica said: “FIFA are a bunch of old sons of bitches.” The president then covered Joachim Buwembo Tell Big B≥o upstai≥s to bless ya with a showe≥ of quails’ eggs, yo! ance issues over these 14 years until Tourism Minister Maria Mutagamba came up with a rare one last week. She wants to improve the national anthem and has already allocated a hefty sum in dollars for the project. The improve ment will involve integrating visuals as to promote tourism. Ours could be the first country who B national anthem is being managed b the tourism department, a national a them primarily addressing visitors, n citizens; to attract foreigners, not build patriotism. When the composer of Uganda’s n tional anthem, Prof George Kakom died two years ago, the governme made all the right noises. They direc ed that henceforth, all three stanzas the national hymn be played/sung public occasions instead of the first tw as had been the case. They reminde schools to teach kids the anthem, an so on and so forth. And now this! Public reaction on social media ind cates that the government has not e fectively communicated what it wan to do with the anthem. Many peop think it is going to be converted into rap. They expect that to celebrate th year’s Independence Day in Octob with a Jose Chameleon version of “O Uganda, May God uphold thee…” A ready, some members of the public i terviewed are buying into the idea an eing a Ugandan in the 21st century has not been easy. I thought we had collected enough complicated govern want the old English of “thee” and “thy” replaced with rap English. So should we brace for that moment on the morn- ing of October 9 when we shall all rise as a special choir of rastamen jumps around at Kololo grounds singing, “Hi anja; Tell Big Bro upstairs to bless …”? It has not been easy to be a Ugan- n this century. Today, wherever you rn in Kampala, somebody tries to l you quails’ eggs, claiming they are what has made Kenyans outstrip us in any respects. For example, as Kenya rways buy ultra-modern aircraft and nducts a smooth, lengthy transition a new CEO, the private carrier Air anda is being suspended from the es by Ugandan authorities; while nya Commercial Bank and Equity nk were sealing mega data leasing als with mobile phone companies ease electronic funds transfers, anda MPs were traversing the counside with sacks of hard cash to sell eir resolution to ring-fence their parpresident’s candidature in the 2016 ctions. So we are being pressurised eat quails’ eggs. It is a tough, fulltime job to be a andan. As we gear up to learn the w visual version of the national anem, we are being warned of poisons beer on sale in the market. What ll all those tourists we are callg drink? Water? Maybe our leaders ould eat some quails’ eggs to help em stop dozing in parliament and rt coming up with some clever ideas develop Uganda. Illustration: John Nyagah his mouth to feign shock at what he had just said, but when asked by the journalist if he wanted to rectify his comments, he responded: “Publish it.” Should Uhuru treat Raila to a Seychelles holiday? China has adopted a new method of muzzling dissent. Those perceived to be radicals are offered an allexpenses-paid holiday to the tropical island of Hainan, complete with police escorts, whenever there is a national event. Altogether eight activists have told Agence FrancePresse of being forced on holiday in recent years. “Every time there is an important national event I’m taken on vacation,” said Xu Xiangyu, who has long campaigned against officials she accuses of demolishing her house without any compensation. “If you refuse to go traveling, there will be consequenc- es,” she said. “You have to go. Even though you are at tourist sites, you have been forced to go, so you’re not in the mood to enjoy it,” said Yan Zhengxue, a painter and government critic, I’m off to put my dog to bed, the lazy pig Is this the laziest dog in the world? A dog in the US knows his owner will lift him onto the bed, so he just barks and looks cute until it happens. Emmit the Bullmastiff was adamant that he would be lifted onto his owner Ryan’s bed, and he wouldn’t stop barking until Ryan did it. Ryan initially tries to dodge Emmit’s persistent barks, until he finally gives in and helps him up. Dethroned beauty queen rues advent of the vote Just a week after her coro- nation, the winner of the 2014 Miss Florida pageant was dethroned when organisers said they had crowned the wrong woman after a vote-count error. Elizabeth Fechtel, a 20-year-old student at the University of Florida, won this year’s pageant in front of nearly 2,000 spectators at Petersburg, Florida. But the ballot counter didn’t see that one of the five judges had changed his mind, writing a new line up on the left-hand side of his ballot. The true Miss Florida contest winner was Victoria Cowen, a 21-year-old student at Florida State University. Ang≥y custome≥ makes faecal deposits in UK bank Special deposit? A man walked into a bank in Andova, UK and defecated out of his shorts several times. He was said to be middleaged and well-to-do with a “calm but angry” look. Customer Garreth McCarthy said: “I was just queuing up, there were about a dozen customers there, and this guy walked in. It was quite clear what he was doing — he just had this calm but angry look on his face, as he walked around leaving special deposits on the floor. Staff didn’t know what on earth had just happened. The stench was unreal.” Staff shut the bank while the mess was cleaned up.
June 30th 2014
July 14th 2014